I like it more as a zombie

Sometimes I still remember the feeling of feeling nothing, of having no thoughts on my head and feeling okay. Nothing bothered me, nothing affected me, I was a zombie. 

There was a time where all my troubles weren’t present, however, that was the time where worse I was. In my mind there was nothing, there was so sorrow, there was no pain, but there was no happiness or excitement either.

Sometimes I wonder if I was happy back then. I was a zombie, I didn’t feel the pain. 

“Lose weight”, “smile more”, “wake up”, “get better grades”. Wait! Give me a minute to breath and take all this in. Let me take a minute to realize that I’m not what everyone excepts from me. 

Having those words in my head all the time make me miss that time when I was that, just a zombie. Filled with pills and sleepy heads, filled with pain and regrets but not feeling them at all. After all I was dead, the real me was dead. I never thought people came back to life until I felt it.

One day I said stop, live. And I started seeing the world with other eyes, however part of me was still dead. Part of me was trying to enjoy life, trying to take a different look at life, but how could I if part of me was still dead. 

Life goes on and I still suffer for things that harmed me back then. I still feel alone sometimes and when that happens I wonder if I still want to be a zombie. 

I am told by everyone to let go, to simply stop suffering, but how can I if I still feel it like it was the same day that someone once harmed me? 

I miss being a zombie. I really do. Nothing calms my pain and my feeling of letting go. Everyday gets harder and harder for me to continue. I want to let go, but let go of me. I’m done fighting, I’ve done it enough. I want something to keep me from thinking, I want something to make me feel less... less this. 

Everyone tells me that those pills kill me, I feel that I kill myself. 

Please... please make me stop feeling... 

This feeling of despear makes me feel lost, like if I had no place to be, like if I don’t belong anywhere. I can’t even write, or talk, I don’t even know how to express myself, all I know is that I’m desperate.